Before I went to my meditation meeting tonight I paged through a book that helps one to ‘find their voice’ for writing and spiritual development. I stopped at an exercise where I had to ask myself: “who am I?” Well, if I had the answer to that one and the other question that has haunted me for quite some time “what is the meaning of life?” I suppose my journaling would finally produce something worthwhile. I am still back at the beginning though; mostly just asking questions and prodding around for pieces of the answer. It is way too early to have all the answers, but not so early that I don’t have some.
If one could answer the question who am I, I think the rest of life’s conundrums would fall into place and not be so troublesome. It seems to be an ever moving answer though and that is what makes it so difficult. We are never the same; even minute to minute. Subtle changes in thoughts and occurrences have an effect on us that render us different each time we approach the question. At once we are an employee, or a friend, or a parent, or child, or lover. In another moment we are a spiritual essence receiving insight from a higher power, or a whimpering human begging for mercy or grace. This is all before we start to put any of our emotions or feelings into the question. Once that happens, it is nearly impossible to stay focused.
The priority of the moment seems to dictate the knee-jerk response to “who am I?” Yet, it is the priority itself that is smoke-screening the answer. If I ask myself the question while I am at work, my position in the company will be high up on the list when I respond, but am I that? Am I the accountant or the administrator? Am I not more than that? Yes, I am. I am a conglomeration of many things, talents, feelings, emotions and energy.
It is the mixture of all of this and how I use it, that seems to make me what I am. At any given moment I can direct my ability and emotion in a positive way, to help myself or others; or be less giving if so desired. It is up to me to be what I chose to be for myself and the world. The circumstances going on at the moment will certainly have some impact on who I chose to be, but I most definitely chose to be who and what I am all the time.
What I chose may be a clearly and deliberately orchestrated response or a hap-hazard knee-jerk reaction to a situation outside of my control. I will be judged and evaluated based on my part in the scene. Being mindful and ‘in the present moment’ will help to make the decision of who I am the most truthful. Sadly, if I am lost in a past event or dreaming of something in the future, my reaction to a current situation may speak very poorly about who I am.
I am still wrestling with the question ‘who am I’. I am closer to a viable answer every time I can respond from present-tense position; one of mindful presence and awareness.
Right now I am a curious individual, seeking an answer to a question whose parameters are constantly changing; knowing the answer may really be a list of traits, talents, emotions and feelings whose composition changes often. One who is willing to accept that the more things change, the more they remain the same. That is where I am now.
In a few minutes, who knows?
Ellen Rossopoulos
June 28, 2007
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